私はとても傷つきやすい。病気になってから余計人目が気になり、傷つきやすくなった。人は怖い、信用できない、また傷つけられる…。
そんな風に思う反面、人を信じたい気持ちも残っている。私は人が好きだ、人とかかわりたい….。
この相反する気持ちはなかなかどちらか一方だけに収まらないけど、私はやはり人の可能性を信じたいと感じる。確かに人は怖い。だけどつながりたい。
私はよく八方美人だと言われてきた。皆にいい顔をすると思われていたからだ。だけど私は人を知りたいから、人の可能性を信じているから、なるべく人を悪く言ったりしたくない。人を悪く言うことは自分が悪くなることのように思うからだ。陽性症状の時は人に過剰に攻撃的になってしまった、だけど今はもう誰かを傷つけたくない。
こんな私は今、無力で、何もできない。こんな状態でどうやって世界と繋がればいいのかと感じることもある。
だけど弱々しくても、人と、世界と、つながる術を探している。心を開いて、面白いことは一つも言えないけど、人に認められ、生き続けたい。統合失調症だけど、統合失調症だから、人と繋がりたい。今日もきちんとB型作業所に行くことができた。ようやくチョコレートが買えた。今はこんなやり取りが私を世界へと繋げてくれている。小さいこと、気が遠くなるけど、今はこんな風にやれることをやっていきたい。
English below
I am very sensitive. Since I got sick, I have become more concerned about what others think of me and I am more easily hurt. People are scary, I can’t trust people, and I will be hurt again…
While I think like that, I still have the desire to trust people. I like people, I want to be involved with people…
These conflicting feelings are hard to settle into one or the other, but I still feel like I want to believe in people’s potential. People are certainly scary. But I want to connect.
I have often been told that I am a people-pleaser. That’s because people thought I was nice to everyone. But because I want to get to know people and believe in people’s potential, I try not to say bad things about people as much as possible. Because I feel like saying bad things about people makes me bad. When I had positive symptoms, I became overly aggressive towards people, but now I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore.
Now I feel powerless and can’t do anything. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know how to connect with the world in this state.
But even if I am weak, I am looking for a way to connect with people and the world. I want to open my heart and be recognized by people, even though I can’t say anything interesting, and I want to continue living. I have schizophrenia, but because I have schizophrenia, I want to connect with people. Today, I was able to go to the B-type workshop as usual. I was finally able to buy some chocolate. Now, these kinds of interactions are what connect me to the world. I want to do what I can.
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